0 Tip 220: Bridging extended family distances

Each of us have unique family heritages that we ought to value. As daddies, we need also to communicate such value to our children while young to build it in their value system before temporal distractions in life devalue them. Some feel that filial piety is outdated in today's modern society, yet these are sustainable values that form the foundation of society. They fuel love, commitment, long suffering and kindness. While we can easily replace a broken bowl in today's capitalistic economy, it is necessary to drill into our children's value system that there is much gain in life to care for our family with loyal love.

Not many people take pride in their family. I have to be honest to say that if I have fewer lessons learnt in life, I would also find it to be less convenient to take the initiative to bridge the distance. Love is never easy. Just caring for your immediate family - your wife and children is already hard work, what more to care for your parents, siblings and your inlaw's and grandparents. There is less incentive to invest our time when we cannot project immediate returns in love and other benefits. Our extended family may be less intelligent than we are, or less well off, less refined in culture and etiquette, or not taking as much initiative as us to reach out to them. If we review it economically, we see no social capital gained from being connected to our extended family since they do not bring with them a wealth of connections that we like access to, by saying we are from this family. What's in it for me?

It is such circumstances that display love in action. The greater the trial, the more genuine our love, the higher magnitude of God's enabling and working in our lives. Also, the deeper lessons our children will learn from such selfless acts. In today's modern society, we will see larger and longer distances geographically - even if just between cities, culturally accross borders, intellectually with differences in education levels between the young and the old including technology savvy and preferred communication modes, differences in size of social networks between the young and the old, material and wealth gaps and differences in lifestyles and experiences fueled by wealth. Extended families bring a host of complicated history of jealousy, strife, antagony between personalities. It will cost you, so how much are you willing to love?

Let not fear overcome us. God is there to enable us. Take the first step in love. Make that long overdue phone call. Make that trip back home during holidays when family is together. Invest your time, money and emotions and take one step forward in maturity and love. While our logic tells us that there is nothing to gain, love was never meant to be rational and calculative. There is no knowing what can be gained through love and deep within our spirits that will bring us far ahead in life.

(Photos show Haruka with her Chinese great grandmother from Singapore and her Japanese grandmother and grandfather and uncles and aunties in Ishigaki island, Okinawa where Haruka invested 1 month of her time there).

Detail: Tip 220: Bridging extended family distances

0 Tip 205: Identify the wisdom in traditions

Haruka was back in Malaysia for the Christmas holidays. It was the first time she met her great grandmother who is 86 years old. I thought it was good for Haruka to build relations with her extended family, yet later I realized it could not be as ideal as I hoped for. There was the language barrier. My grandmother was born in Malaysia before getting married to my grandfather who hailed from Guangdong. Eventhough, my grandmother had less Chinese roots since she lived her whole life in Malaysia, she did not attend school as girls then were barred from going to school by their fathers. So, my grandmother could not speak English to Haruka and she thought it would be difficult to play with Haruka. That was until I saw photos of Tangyuan in the local newspaper announcing that the next day on 22 December 2009 was the Winter Solstice Festival. It was an opportunity for Haruka to knead Tangyuan with her great grandmother.

Traditions have been introduced by the elders for many decades or centuries with careful thought on how traditions can instill noble values and bring people together. Societies in the past do not have so much convenience and mobility to keep in touch easily. Traditions such as the Dongzhi is a good time for many to make the effort to travel the distance to knead rice flour together to make as many round dumplings as possible as flour was not expensive previously. It also instills patience as a good dumpling is knead with love and lots of attention to detail to ensure its round and chewy. The glutinous rice flour needs to have just the right amount of water, else it will be too dry for kneading or too wet to hold a smooth round shape. If hundreds of balls are made, patience is required and a desire to want to maintain good standards may warrant kneading the balls over and over by reducing the size and rekneading if its too large or too small. Like the Japanese, the Chinese too had many traditions emphasizing the need to put attention to detail.

Nowadays, we can easily ready made Tangyuan knead by factories or vendors in the market, but nothing beats participating in the traditions and reaping the benefits if we identify with the wisdom behind it. Do it - it takes effort, time, inconvenience and unnecessary stress, but there is good in many traditions.

(Photos show Haruka with her Malaysian great grandmother at our home in Petaling Jaya, Malaysia and Haruka with her Malaysian grandmother at the Singapore zoo and Clarke Quay riverside when she came to visit my new Singapore home. Also, Haruka's first hawker center food. The best we tried in our first 2 weeks in Singapore was the Zion Road hawker center opposite Great World City, Tiong Bahru which is clean and has lots of food variety).

Detail: Tip 205: Identify the wisdom in traditions

0 Tip 162: Talking about grandparents with baby

Living abroad, away from the daily proximity of grandparents and relatives of both daddy and mummy may not be so ideal. Yet, daddy and mummy can make efforts to rekindle thoughts of them with the baby. It helps to have frequent phone calls and visits, but we can also playback video of previous visits, or even bring them up during story telling.

I was reading a story book with Haruka that have a picture of a family of mice. She recalled the last time I told her that there was a daddy and mummy mouse on that picture. So she pointed and said excitedly at baby, papa, mama, then she pointed oba-chan (grandmother), ojisan (grandfather) at the older mice. That's such a good thought for a 1 year old to be thinking about - family. In fact, this is something that many babies thinks about. So, when watching kids programs, there are always good opportunities to talk about family with your baby. Of course, the talk would be reinforced with frequent visits or even stay overs as often as possible.

Maybe photos are useful too? I do not put too many photoframes of family members in my home and may want to adopt this practice later. What are other ways?

(Photos show Haruka at the Hong Kong Museum of Art and Science Museum. Probably the encounter with the astronaut gave her nightmare cries at night).

Detail: Tip 162: Talking about grandparents with baby

0 Tip 138: Never be embarassed by family

This blogpost is inspired by the movie,"Last Chance Harvey" watched on the plane to Singapore recently. Starring Dustin Hoffman (playing Harvey), the father of a soon to be wed daughter, the movie offers a rollercoaster ride of emotions felt by Harvey who realized he has nothing left and has lost everything: his marriage, his daughter, his esteem when he is on the verge of losing his supposedly permanent job. The climax to me, was when his daughter told him that another man will replace him as dad, to walk her on the aisle. What can be more shocking than that? That has its roots in a father who felt he embarassed his family all the years and begin distancing himself away, thereby creating a vicious cycle of more distance and lost of trust. Yet, that's a very common scene in any family. Unless we admit it and do something about it, we all can be blamed one time or another for feeling embarassed by our family members. In this competitive world with high standards where we can constantly compare families, we subconsiously demonstrate how we are irked by the many things our parents and family members do. Yet, these negative responses are the very seeds that can ruin our relationships and cause more rift and more embarassment upon ourselves. Rather, we need to consciously remind ourselves to affirm those we love since they are the ones we have the tendency to feel most irritated by. All is not lost- while our parents and family members are still alive, we can undo our previous negative responses and takes steps to reaffirm our parents' esteem and demonstrate we are not embarassed by them. Love heals. It starts by making bold steps to undo past negative actions.

I am glad to admit that there is nothing to hide, that I have been embarassed by my dad since young. This is the first step to make attempts to do something about it. Unless one is conscious of the need to be sensitive with one's actions, any subtle subconscious behavior over the years will continue unnoticed. I was embarassed by my dad's inability to manage his finances, thereby creating a poverty cycle surrounding my family, before both me and my brother started working. Further, as I grew up, I felt embarassed by his manner, his thinking, his speech, his relationship with others and myself as would how Harvey's daughter and wife felt about Harvey. Yet, I did nothing to support my dad but to further my distance, thereby further hurting his esteem. A dad's esteem is further damaged when even those close to him could not lend support, even as the rest of society treats him far worse in this competitive society. Few years ago, I began realizing that I am not in the position to judge my dad. All of us are made different, and face different circumstances in life. The fact that he has not given up in life through the many challenges he faced and contributed the little he did, means a big deal actually. Instead of feeling ashamed of his little contributions, I began to feel proud and spend more time talking to him. Everytime, my dad uttered a careless phrase, I see it in the light that we are all similarly vulnerable to shortcomings. I invested more time to give him opportunities to expose to different experiences so that, he may be a better person. I am even considering to move closer to home, so that my parents could spend more time with Haruka so they would feel more a part of me and my family. Yes, it is not easy to accept someone and even endorse that person that we are proud despite their shortcomings. But, if it will make their life meaningful and build his/her self esteem, it is a loving contribution we bring to our family who loves us and has no one but us. Furthermore, our example towards our parents will be seen by our children.

How do you think we can best deal with being embarassed by our family members?

(Photos show the romantic Paris in the evening, at the Arc de Triomphe and the Pantheon Court overlooking Eiffel Tower and the Pantheon itself).

Detail: Tip 138: Never be embarassed by family

0 Tip 78: Keeping ties with granny and granddad

Living far away from granny and granddad, we sometimes lose the determination to not only stay in touch, but show how we care. In the modern society these days, each family owns a separate dwelling from their parents. Many even live in different countries or different states and seldom keep in touch, what more maintain loving ties? Children first watch the love shared between daddy and mummy. Then, they observe if daddy and mummy also love their parents, granny and granddad. As I watch the Japanese society, its sad to see family ties being cold, partly due to cultural norms of being less expressive, as well as an afluent lifestyle where everyone can independently buy whatever they want and not need to depend on each other. In fact, it becomes a nuisance to disturb another for your own living. I however do not subscribe to such a view. My blog heading says documenting the past, together with expressing our hopes for the future is the foundation for success. By knowing who we are, we can better learn from our mistakes. Family is part of who we are. In fact, family lineage I believe to a certain extent defines us, but sadly, the many wars and mass migration due to poverty in this past century disrupted the understanding of many of their family lineage. This will be of another blog post/tip altogether if I ever get a chance to explore this subject of family lineage in greater depth. But more importantly, our immediate family ties need to be cemented with love.

It takes quite a lot of proactive efforts to build good ties. Since leaving Malaysia, even when I was studying and living on meagre scholarship allowances and part time jobs, I had kept constant contact with my parents and send money home. Partly because they do not have too much savings and would feel more secure with the thought that they would get constant income flows from their children. But, I wanted to ensure that there is a tie of dependency which makes for a good cause never to stay out of touch. We usually would put less effort to maintain ties with a person, when it is on a want basis, but if it is on a need basis, we know its an important duty that we should not shirk off. While we sometimes would love to take a break and not have any cares to worry about, I think children in this afluent society need to try to maintain some loyal duty to not only stay in touch, but check if their parents' needs are catered for, even if their parents are financially independent. I know I would like these family ties between me and my child to be on a need basis rather than on a want basis. Why we need to maintain such ties indefinitely? Because family is part of who we are and even if we had not such a blessing to start with, it starts from us. I would usually call home but recently, coaxed my parents to make efforts to call my daughter and let her hear some Malaysian accent from granny and granddad. In the future, when I have established my family dwelling place after deciding how large my family should be (still making the counts of how many children is ideal), I wish to have my parents or in laws live with me or at least close to me with frequent opportunities to have meals together.

What about you? Are there any practical steps you do to maintain those family ties?

Detail: Tip 78: Keeping ties with granny and granddad

0 Tip 15: Taking care of mother in law/mother

Not sure if it is a practice in western countries for the mother or mother in law of the daddy and mummy to come take care of mummy and the baby for a few weeks to a few months after mummy has just given birth. That will lighten the load of daddy as well as mummy lots. Sometimes, a lady experienced in post maternity care can be hired for this task but if your mother or mother in law volunteers, its good to reaffirm bonds in the family, keep good ties between mother or mother in law who is now the grandmother to the baby. And as much as daddy has many concerns and tasks to care about such as ensuring baby supplies are sufficient, whether mummy and baby's place to rest is comfortable, whether baby is fine even if she is crying much, daddy needs to remember that there is a new person staying in the home now and communication with that person is key to maintaining order. Communicate well and take good care of this person and you have someone who is happy to go the extra mile to lighten more of your load, make mummy and baby happy and in turn make you feel happy that all is well.



Whenever you read my blog tips, do remember that I am living in a foreign country, married to a foreign woman and have foreign in laws. Its now 3 years in Japan and yes, I am catching up in being less foreign and more capable to not only run errands but maintain good genuine relationships, but in life there are always gaps we need to close as nothing is perfect. This reality is encountered by every human on earth even if they married their neighbour's daughter and lived in the same village all their lives, they would have to realize that life is imperfect and that is why we gain a beautiful heart by seeing the beauty in imperfections and making beautiful that which is yet imperfect. Thats the beauty of human progress. That being said, my blogs are genuine about real life and somewhat magnified to catch the many details of imperfection and cultural gaps present in each of our lives. And one such is communication.

Communication with in laws and your immediate family are important even if you do not live with them. They are part of your lives and the lives of your children and its so precious to keep those ties in tact. And when your in law or mother stays in your home to take care of mummy, do not just think of the needs of exhausted mummy and the new born baby alone, but also the needs of your mother in law or mother staying in the new home. Think of their schedule before they came to your home, their concerns that they may have for their own home, their food, clothing and sleep needs and what they need to be happy to stay as long as possible to lighten your load. By discussing with them their needs and their plans, maybe something can be worked out before they have doubts if they are welcome to stay long and they may even make an abrupt decision to go home. Always think first what you can give to others without expecting the benefits in return as you genuinely give. Then, your load will be lighter and lighter as you get more in return than you had ever expected to receive. This is a modest practice by some of the more moderate Japanese to think on a longer term horizon and be always generous to others. And what better way than to reassure your mother and mother in law that you care for them even when you are now a new family.


(Photos show Haruka at 3 weeks old and my mother in law who is from Okinawa island and stayed with us to take care of Tomomi.)

Detail: Tip 15: Taking care of mother in law/mother