0 Tip 220: Bridging extended family distances

Each of us have unique family heritages that we ought to value. As daddies, we need also to communicate such value to our children while young to build it in their value system before temporal distractions in life devalue them. Some feel that filial piety is outdated in today's modern society, yet these are sustainable values that form the foundation of society. They fuel love, commitment, long suffering and kindness. While we can easily replace a broken bowl in today's capitalistic economy, it is necessary to drill into our children's value system that there is much gain in life to care for our family with loyal love.

Not many people take pride in their family. I have to be honest to say that if I have fewer lessons learnt in life, I would also find it to be less convenient to take the initiative to bridge the distance. Love is never easy. Just caring for your immediate family - your wife and children is already hard work, what more to care for your parents, siblings and your inlaw's and grandparents. There is less incentive to invest our time when we cannot project immediate returns in love and other benefits. Our extended family may be less intelligent than we are, or less well off, less refined in culture and etiquette, or not taking as much initiative as us to reach out to them. If we review it economically, we see no social capital gained from being connected to our extended family since they do not bring with them a wealth of connections that we like access to, by saying we are from this family. What's in it for me?

It is such circumstances that display love in action. The greater the trial, the more genuine our love, the higher magnitude of God's enabling and working in our lives. Also, the deeper lessons our children will learn from such selfless acts. In today's modern society, we will see larger and longer distances geographically - even if just between cities, culturally accross borders, intellectually with differences in education levels between the young and the old including technology savvy and preferred communication modes, differences in size of social networks between the young and the old, material and wealth gaps and differences in lifestyles and experiences fueled by wealth. Extended families bring a host of complicated history of jealousy, strife, antagony between personalities. It will cost you, so how much are you willing to love?

Let not fear overcome us. God is there to enable us. Take the first step in love. Make that long overdue phone call. Make that trip back home during holidays when family is together. Invest your time, money and emotions and take one step forward in maturity and love. While our logic tells us that there is nothing to gain, love was never meant to be rational and calculative. There is no knowing what can be gained through love and deep within our spirits that will bring us far ahead in life.

(Photos show Haruka with her Chinese great grandmother from Singapore and her Japanese grandmother and grandfather and uncles and aunties in Ishigaki island, Okinawa where Haruka invested 1 month of her time there).

Detail: Tip 220: Bridging extended family distances

0 Tip 191:Living with multicultural differences

This blog is full of smiling photos, yet reality is that marriage comes with many challenges. Yet, it is how we want to view it that makes us difference.

We can see it as merely colourful differences that is inevitable no matter who we marry, or we can see it as mountains of impossible differences that we need to bear. If we do, then it becomes a challenge. But, why see it as challenges and battles? Rather, embrace the differences. Appreciate them. See the positive side of it. It could be the only way to be happy. When we renew our minds to embrace and love beyond our will, we learn to love. After a while, it does not seem like a challenge since it is already part of us.

Multi-cultural marriages add to the colour of existing differences in gender, personalities and upbringing. The values and happiness we share in 2 decades of living with our parents as a child does form our ideals. When we are marrying a "foreigner", we are definitely being introduced to different ideals. I will just share 2 simple examples.

I am quite a spontaneous person, who seeks to enjoy the moment to seize whatever I could get at any given second. I am too much to the extreme and should already slow down as a daddy to learn to prioritise. This of course conflicts with the Japanese mentality that requires proper planning and slow and careful response to any given change in the environment. So Tomomi gets stressed. Yet, she is beginning to also learn to express her dissatisfaction and warn me to slow down and at the same time, be accepting some of the thrills of some of my joy rides.

In turn, I was a little disappointed that Japanese dishes are quite boring. Eventhough, I was not rich when growing up, I had a nice table of different variety of dishes everyday. When my mum was busy, she decided to have a caterer bring cooked dishes to the home as it is not expensive in Malaysia. Somehow, this ideal stuck in my mind and affected my image of Tomomi being less of a dedicated wife to cook up a kitchen full of food scent. Yet, I also begin to accept that Japanese focuses on 1 main quality dish, instead serving too many. It is important that I appreciate Tomomi's efforts more. Plus, we would be moving closer to my "home" soon. Patience is key. If we could love, it means we have battled our self-will and that's the main challenge. Not the other person or the problem - but the challenge within ourself to love more. To be patient and seeking to appreciate and embrace the differences. Only good can come out of it.

(Photos show the dolphin and beluga/white whale/sea canary show at the Hakkeijima SeaParadise).

Detail: Tip 191:Living with multicultural differences

0 Tip 174: Pre vs. Postpartum mood swings

As I blog I was reflecting on when the postpartum mood swings of my wife ended. (Postpartum is the term used to refer to the mother after pregnancy, while postnatal refers to the infant).












It is hard for the husband to make an objective evaluation as men will mostly treat all mood swings the same as they find it challenging to understand what women feel they want all the time. Wikipedia defined the period of baby/maternity blues as typically lasting from a few hours to a few days. However, postpartum depression is defined as any depression symptoms occuring at anytime till the first year after birth. As bias as I am, I very much like this definition of postpartum mood swings better.












As I have graduated from that 1 year postpartum period, I can definitely agree with a colleague of mine who gave me an advice just before my paternity holiday. He said, "Philip, please do not work and take your holiday. You will have to support your wife as she will be even more emotional than before pregnancy". I was a little shocked at that due to ignorance, since I thought no daddies need to read childbirth books. I even only half believed him at first. Now I know.













During pregnancy, Tomomi was working under a difficult supervisor and she would complain much to me. Plus, there was stress involved in purchasing our home in Tokyo and preparing for it since I wanted the best deal before making an investment with my own hard earned money. I had to be blamed for not showing enough empathy for my dear wife who have to tag along to view the different properties. I faced her mood swings which varies from demanding me to buy different foods at odd times, to being uncooperative. Okay, she is probably right in not meeting my demands many of the times. :)

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After birth, Tomomi was very attached to Haruka. As this is her first child as well as she spends much time with Haruka being a full time mother, she was strict with many ideal methods for caring the baby. This introduced much stress to her. One main contributing factor is probably the desire to breastfeed Haruka without using a breastpump, thus making it difficult for Tomomi to free herself to relax and rest for long periods. It would affect her sleep as well. Yet, she would overlook them, but be irritated when she sees any stress originating from me. At that time, I was undergoing a heavy work schedule and the weekends were a welcome time to rest. Yet, Tomomi complained that I did nothing to ease her burden. I began to allocate weekends to lend a hand, to let mummy off while I babysit and to head to the restaurant so Tomomi could have a change of venue. This seemed to make the mood swings milder. :)












I looked through the list of symptoms and found the following true: anxious and hypersensitive to criticism, low spirits and irritability, weepiness, sudden burst of anger and restless insomnia. I think she did not encounter the symptoms of "unbonded" with the baby or losing appetite as Tomomi is constantly hungry due to the breastfeeding. But its hard to understand the emotions she may undergo especially in the first few days after birth. Tomomi's mother was assisting for a few weeks so that eased the initial intense period probably. At least she need not vent it on me alone.












I do get the same shocking look whenever I share this with new daddies. They were usually in unbelief that life will be much tougher than what they gone through in the initial 9 months. One day, all daddies will look back and smile at the sacrifice of love they gave to mummies and to their beautiful children. Hey, the article even speak of the possibility of daddies experiencing postpartum depressions. I probably did. :) Though, we are thankful that we merely had mood swings and tiredness to bear with and did not encounter any symptoms that require psychiatric attention. Among them are having thoughts of wanting to hurt the baby and oneself or not having any interest in the baby. In any case, they are behind me ... for now.

Check out another blog I write: http://lifenewcreation.blogspot.sg to find about building taking charge of your health and pursuing longer life span.















(Photos show the Yuigahama beach with blue skies and during sunset, and "good views" of the Enoshima Katase Beach, known as the Miami beach of the East, both located near to Kamakura.)

Detail: Tip 174: Pre vs. Postpartum mood swings

0 Tip 166: Husband doing grocery shopping with a list

Grocery shopping for your wife can be humourous. That's because you need to remember that you are shopping for your wife and not for yourself. When I thought I wanted to have some hamburgers or sausages for dinner, my wife said, "why did you buy them? I am not going to cook them". She literally did not cook for 1 evening, with the excuse that I irritated her by filling the fridge up with things she would not like to eat. You just got to look at it as humorous, instead of concentrating on the evening without a good cooked dinner. Thankfully, she has grown and evolved from those encounters, and has since cooked (on only a few occasions) the hamburgers and sausages that I bought.












I too have evolved and now avoid looking out for bargains for food from China at low bargain supermarkets that my wife detest. I am learning to follow her instructions to read the labels to only get low pasteurized milk instead of just any milk that has a nice carton with a good price tag. Once, I would buy a packet of white rice, thinking it would be a welcomed change for once to our routine brown rice, and then again no cooked dinner for the day.












Furthermore, my wife prefers organic vegetables if there is an option. In some cities like London, those vegetables are labelled clearly. Other cities, they are not and my wife would be suspicious if I would not succumb to the urge of getting good looking vegetables at lower prices. So she would go on a rage when I do buy vegetables home, especially when her day has not been smooth sailing.












Yeap, I am not such a perfect daddy after all. Other daddies would not make so many mistakes or make so many rebellious shopping decisions. Other daddies also has a better hand at cooking their own dinners. Though, I am quite a contented daddy as I have done without oily, well seasoned, tantalizing spicy yummy food for a long while, and sticked to a diet of healthy eating. The Japanese have this phrase "Shouganai" (What to do/There is no point of talking about it anymore).












You could talk about it if seen as humor. So anymore humorous stories to share, daddies? or mummies?












(Photos show my final random photos of London: by the river Thames, at the Tower of London, street performer by the London Eye, the red Holborn Bars, headquarters of Prudential Assurance . After a long day, Haruka collapses on my lap).

Detail: Tip 166: Husband doing grocery shopping with a list

0 Tip 124: Serving the graveyard shift duty

I got this message from a friend and its my pleasure to blog on topics of interest to my faithful readers.

"Hi Philip ! You've been traveling round the world heh? I love hong kong as a holiday spot, been there twice but dunno about living there though. Hey, I find your postings on parenting tips, keep it coming yeah ! Did you post anything on how to survive night time feedings and getting back to work the next day?"

To be honest, I never really done too much graveyard shift duty. Usually, at least one of the parent needs to wake up at night to attend to the needs of the baby for 3 reasons: 1. to feed her. 2. to put her to sleep again and calm her down from her crying as she is ill. 3. to calm her down from her crying as she had a nightmare. It may come as a shock to many, but Haruka is still breastfeeding after 1 year old as my wife is a keen believer in attachment parenting. Will blog more on this, probably when Haruka has weened herself of breastfeeding, and I can provide an objective reflection of the pros and cons of breastfeeding for extended periods of time. The plus point here is that daddy need not be waking up at night to feed the baby. Actually, another practice in attachment parenting is that the baby sleeps next to the parents, instead of in a separate bed to promote closeness in the family relationship. Though I end up sleeping like a log when I do sleep, as I spent a lot of my few waking hours with productive activities (or try to do so). That leaves me only waking up 10% of the time when Haruka is crying. There were only 2 occassions when Haruka fell ill with fever and I recall, Haruka has never ever vomitted and caused too much of an unpleasant night for us to have to clean up the mess. If she does wake up at night because of a nightmare, it would be just a brief 5 seconds as either mummy takes her to comfort or Haruka would be quick to seek her mother's breast. I probably have many blessings to count as a daddy for having to care for a baby with little tantrums and my wife for doing most of the graveyard shift duty that has probably adjusted well to her sleep rhythm.

I do understand what the graveyard shift duty entails and the stress of needing to tend to the many tantrums of different babies, especially when they are ill at night. When I was young, my mother used to be a babysitter and when I was back from school, I did assist her sometimes. Or there were a few occassions when the baby's parents went on holiday and the graveyard shift had to be served by my mother. But, the dynamics of such a situation changes when you are married, do not have access to a babysitter (or do not believe in the need for one) and has full responsibility to attend to the needs of the baby. The wife needs to know that her husband cares and does not shirk off this responsibility to the wife alone. Hence, my previous post about the importance at least on weekends to do more housework to affirm the wife that the husband is trying to do his best to share the responsibility, eventhough he may have work demands during weekdays. Daddy also needs to be wise to balance between effectively contributing towards lightening the load, and letting mummy handle it if she has many preferences. A mother's instincts is always ahead of daddy's in terms of understanding the baby's needs and how to attend to it well and often times, daddy gets in the way by being clumsy (according to mummy) or simply not doing so well as he already had a long day at work. Daddy thus only needs to listen, acknowledge and suggest humbly what can be done (most of the time, the suggesting part can wait till the day time during a nice meal or at an outing when mummy is more receptive) to make mummy happy that she is doing everything well. Then, go to sleep.

I remembered one occasion when Haruka had fever, Tomomi asked me to fill the water pillow that we got for Haruka to reduce the temperature. I filled it and came back to the bedroom and Tomomi complained that it was still rather damp as I did not wipe the exterior dry enough. I came back and she said that Haruka does not need it anymore as I may disturb her sleep. So I went to sleep. My duty as a daddy probably became effective the next day when I had a chat with Tomomi about how Haruka was doing and affirmed her that she did well caring for her. Graveyard shift duties ,,, do them when you are really doing it effectively, else wait till next day to finish off the job.

Any pleasant or unpleasant stories to share about such graveyard shift duties? Please do, as it does encourage parents who are reading this blog.

(Photos show view from the Peak, Hong Kong, the litmus test of whether we should enter Madame Tussauds, the Peak by posing next to the free display of Bruce Lee, the many varieties of fish ball sold at Gresson street, Wanchai and Cheung Kong park, a small park next to St. John's Cathedral.)

Detail: Tip 124: Serving the graveyard shift duty